Fostering Self Esteem in Children.
Medha Kedar Tonapi,
‘Health in your Mind’
Psychologist | Life Coach | Parent Coach |
Mindset Architect
Self esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves. It is a judgement on our selves. Having very less beliefs on our selves can hinder our life styles and slow down our growth process. Self-esteem can be defined as a combination of feeling loved and capable With a balanced Self-esteem one can have a happy and successful life in all aspects, be it school life, relationships, academics, Family, profession, etc. Self-esteem fluctuates as a child grows. It is frequently changed and fine-tuned, as it is affected by a child's experiences and new perceptions. As parents we need to observe our children and through their behaviour and mannerisms we can understand what the child is experiencing. It helps parents to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.
Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Self-Esteems
A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. His comforts in social settings, easy mingling, enthusiasms and different interests exhibit the healthy state of mind.
When challenges arise, child is able to work toward finding solutions. When a child knows his/her strengths and limitations, and accepts them. A sense of optimism prevails. A child who is happy with his/her achievements but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his/her own abilities can also end up feeling poorly about himself. Healthy self-esteem results when both aspects are achieved.
A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. Child's comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits. Child's willing to pursue new interests. When challenges arise, child is able to work toward finding solutions. Child knows her strengths and weaknesses (improvements), and accepts them. A sense of optimism prevails.
A child who has unhealthy self-esteem may not want to try new things. He frequently speaks negatively about himself, saying such things as, "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." He exhibits a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for someone else to take over. Children with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent and intolerable conditions, in part because these setbacks seem like a pattern to them. Children with low self-esteem may not expect much from others, such as invitations to do things together. A sense of pessimism predominates.
Some symptoms of low self esteem are:
Feeling hopeless
Sensitivity to criticism.
Social withdrawal.
Hostility.
Aggressive
Blaming yourself unfairly
Hating yourself
Worrying about being unable to do things.
Excessive preoccupation with personal problems.
Physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia and headaches.
Can parents help the child deal with this? Yes! Off course! Here are some guidelines that can make a big difference:
Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to teacher's words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for their effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn't make the sports team, avoid saying something like, "Well, next time you'll work harder and make it." Instead, say something like, "Well, you didn't make the team, but I'm really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.
Be a positive role model. If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model. If something bad happens, don't make general negative statements about others, such as, "People are mean" or "You can't count on anybody." Your child may not realize that your statements are stronger than how you really feel.
Identify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs. As you observe your child, understand his/her beliefs. When you find more of negative belief statements coming up, make note of them and redesign them towards positivity. A child who is not good with spellings, but reads the words correctly, sometimes may say, “I’m no good at dictations. I always end up doing mistakes." Not only is this a false generalization, it's also a belief that will set him up for failure. Encourage the child to see the situation in its true light. A helpful response might be, "Your efforts are appreciable and you can surely do well in your dictations. We'll work on it together."
Be spontaneous and affectionate with your child. Love and affection mean a lot to children. Your care for the child will go a long way to boost the child's self-esteem. Tell them you're proud of them. Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes from the heart.
Give positive, accurate feedback. A comment such as, "You always messy," may cause a child to start believing it. A better statement is, "I noticed you miss to bring some of your books to school. Do pack your bag at night so that you don’t miss any of them. This encourages the child to recollect instructions and decide to implement them again next time.
Help your child become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one practice an activity can do wonders for both children. If one child is preparing for a completion involve the other child too in the preparation and practice. Keep an encouraging and positive house environment. Eliminate any silly sibling fights and have a calm and composed background. A sense of responsibility and bonding is built up among the siblings.
Consider professional help. If you find a child has low self-esteem, he may benefit from talking with a professional. Don’t hesitate to meet a professional as low self esteem, if not dealt in time many lead to several other complications in life.
Medha Kedar Tonapi,
‘Health in your Mind’
Psychotherapist, Life Coach,
Parent Coach.